sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's rum buckets o'clock
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
