Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
