Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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