just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I will pee on everything he values.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
