My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
