My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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