why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
