just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
