i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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