why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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