i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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