As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
