no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
