apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
