you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
