I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
