we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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