Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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