3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
