Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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