You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
