my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
