It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
