Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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