Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
