I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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