So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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