I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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