I hate your face
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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