You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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