im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I forget how to act sober
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