I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
