Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
