Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
