i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize