i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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