I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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