I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
