a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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