I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
