the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
