The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
