and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
