The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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