i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
