that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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