i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
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I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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