Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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