As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
