Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
