Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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