Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
