I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
