We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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