I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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