everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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