you win again, gameday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
