I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The uberlube is also flammable
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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