Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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