Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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