She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
