There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
