Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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